The Ultimate Sundowner

It is hard to believe that our time in Sanyati is coming to a close.  Lately, the sunsets here have been remarkable.  I borrowed the title of this post from a billboard in Harare.  I forget what it was advertising but it shows the differences between British English and American English.  The sign said something about experiencing the ultimate sundowner.  When you first see the words it catches your attention because the advertisement is trying to entice you to go somewhere for a good experience.  For me as an American, downer does not bring to mind a positive image but you learn to not go on your first impression here in Africa.

The red sun setting over the thorn bushes and trees seems to foreshadow last moments we are experiencing.  Yesterday, I took the last team to the blacksmith.  We left as the sun set there.  We had the last “sale” where the local women have an opportunity to sell their goods to the teams coming through.  I have heard it also called the “Sanyati Baptist Hospital Gift Shop.”  Rashel and Paige had their last children’s Bible study.  We have taken down the last asbestos and put on the last roofing panels.  Two more days to work with the last team and then it is time to close everything up for the year.

I am currently listening to “Breathe You In” by Thousand Foot Krutch and tears are very close as they often are these days.  I am not sure how to return home and leave everything and everyone I have come to know behind.  Last year it was difficult to leave after 10 days.  I have no idea how to cope with it this time.

Breathe You In by Thousand Foot Crush
Click here to listen on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irmjX6uXvlA
Taking hold, breaking in
The pressures all need to circulate
Mesmerized and taken in
Moving slow, so it resonates
It's time to rest, not to sleep away
My thoughts alone, try to complicate
I'll do my best, to seek you out
And be myself, and not impersonate

[Chorus:]
I tried so hard to not walk away
And when things don't go my way
I'll still carry on and on just the same
I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breath you in
I want to breathe you in

I'm going in, so cover me
Your compass will, help me turn the page
The laughing stock, I'll never be
Because I won't let them take me

[Chorus]

Took awhile to see all the love that's around me
Through the highs and lows there's a truth that I've known
And it's you

I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
‘Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to, I want to
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe; I want to, I want to
Wanna breathe
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I wanna breathe
…

I close this post as I listen to my playlist almost in the same order as I left America.  Here are some of the titles:

Come and Listen – David Crowder Band
Lose My Soul – Tobymac
Hanging by a Moment – Lifehouse
Breathe You In – Thousand Foot Krutch
Your Name – Radial Angel
Revelation Song – Gateway Worship
When I Think about the Lord – Shane and Shane
Nothing but the Blood – Tree63
Mountain of God – Third Day
Lay ‘Em Down – Needtobreathe
Born Again – Newsboys
Lead Me to the Cross – Newsboys
Come Thou Fount – David Crowder Band
Mystery – Charlie Hall
I Refuse – Josh Wilson
You Hold Me Now – Hillsong United
Sweetly Broken – Jeremy Riddle
You Are God Alone – Phillips, Craig and Dean
At Your Name – Tim Hughes
Follow You – Brandon Heath
In the Hands of God – Newsboys
Blessings – Laura Story
You and Me – Lifehouse
Cry Out to Jesus – Third Day
Closer - Philmont
Rescue – Desperation Band
What I’ve Overcome – Fireflight
Always – Kristian Stanfill
The Difference - Philmont
Desperate – Fireflight
Crazy Love – Hawk Nelson
At Your Name – Phil Wickham
I Still Believe – James Clay

Wrote this about a week and a half before posting it…Ryan

Fear and finding out what faith is….

I have always been what polite society calls “a worrier”. I know it by its more truthful name… an addiction to fear. I have spent most of my life afraid. From bugs and snakes to my children dying or my husband leaving me, I’ve imagined the worst and stood paralyzed with fear that the “worst case scenario” would occur. Coming to Sanyati was hard for me. Not necessarily the “saying yes to God” part- I mean, who’s ever said no to God and won that argument- but the 9 months of build up till we left were excruciating. 9 months to worry and fret, 9 months to imagine if “horrible” happened there. Our first month settling in at Harare and Sanyati, I was so jumpy, my own shadow could have sent me up a tree. During that same time, I remember one night driving home with Ryan from Kadoma after a supply run, our girls sweetly sleeping in the back seat. We were talking about all the fear I was in. God has wired him differently- I am sure partly for my sanctification- and he struggles to understand or fathom how fear could run my life so much. As we drove home, he began to talk about how it is hard for him to understand my problem with fear because to him he just takes the problem or “what if” and accepts that it could happen and then tries to make wise choices based on all the possibilities. His words made my head spin and my heart ache. How could he accept the “what if”- esp. if the “what if” was horrible? How could he find peace in that moment of everything falling down? I knew God was at the center of that peace, but struggled with not being able to get there with Him.  I mean, how do you just turn off fear?  As I pondered our talk later that night, God began to click stuff together in my head. Often in my life I have found freedom after accepting reality...what if fear was the same way? What if I chased the fear down and refused to let it control me and instead controlled it. What if I accepted my responsibility in the situation and then literally let the rest be up to God and trust Him with it. I began to walk through several of the re-occurring fears in my head… for example: fear of snakes- First I have to do my part and use the wisdom He’s given me to be careful where I walk and pay attention to what’s around me, but after that… and this was huge… if it’s God’s will for me to get bit then I will. Reality is that if it’s going to happen I can’t stop it, but I know that God never does anything that isn’t for my good or His glory so in the end I can still trust Him with His decisions. I began to fully understand that God not only made all of creation, but He is also still in charge of it. NO PART of His creation is allowed to take 2 steps towards me without a nod from Him. That was comforting to me- that God is indeed sovereign over all He has made. It then occurred to me… and this was huge too… that if the horrible “what if” happened- God would still be there, not abandoning me at the first sign of trouble.  If all the worst case scenarios that swirl in my head actually came to fruition, I need not fear because God would still be there in the middle of it with me. Ahh, the peace that brought! God will NEVER leave me or forsake me! Around the same time, one of the team members was complimenting me on my faith to come out and serve in Sanyati. It touched my heart. As she spoke I began to see- that’s what faith is, doing the fearful… taking the first step into scary and realizing He’s on the other side too. It made me think of that Indiana Jones movie where he has to cross the chasm but there is no bridge. It wasn’t until he took the first step out that he realized that the bridge had been there all along. That’s what faith in God is to me- taking the first step out to realize that God has been there all the time and is still there supporting me.
Coming to Sanyati was scary for me, but learning that God completely has me has made it totally worth the cost. I don’t know that I could have learned all this in America. There seems to be such a false sense of security there. Self-reliance as "the American way" seems to deaden our senses to the reality that “horrible” could happen there too. It seems easier in some ways to trust God here in Africa… there is no sense of security here that a random bad day couldn’t kill. I pray all these lessons here are applied firmly by God to my heart…. that I never forget how reliant I am on God for EVERYTHING- from food, to electricity to the health of my daughters…that I never forget that God has me, in the good times and bad… that HE is in charge and in that I can rely and find rest. Wow, the sovereignty of God, the faithfulness of Him, and the faith that is required to follow Him.
Rashel